Happy New Year

This year 2019 started with Daddy's demise on 18 Jan. Definitely not a "happy " new year for me!

I'm honestly glad to see it end.

I know that crying won't bring him back. I know that one who is born, has to die one day. I know that death doesn't discriminate. I know it's man's destiny.

I read somewhere that there are 4 stages when something unexpected happens out of the blue.

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Numbness

4. Acceptance

My first reaction was exactly that - shock. I was shocked beyond words. Just the evening before, we had spoken to each other. I never knew it was the last conversation I'd have with Daddy.

If only we had spoken for a longer time... If only I was there when he didn't wake up... If only I could see him once more... If only I could hug him once more and tell him that I loved him a lot and he meant so much to me....

If only....

Shock was followed by regret and more regret.....

I'm still not out of the denial stage. I just can't believe that he left, just like that.... Without any hint or clue... He just left. I still hope to hear him calling me with affection and telling me - You must start writing. You should take care of your health.

I can't believe he isn't here....

All the way on the flight, I only cried.... My daughters were shocked because they have never seen me so broken and so sad....

I knew I couldn't cry in front of my mom, who was in the worst condition possible. I had to be her pillar of strength. My sisters were already there, holding the fort, as best as they could.

I volunteered to stay with mummy while everyone else left for the last rites.

I had literally shut down my emotions and become numb. I was working mechanically and denied myself any moment of 'weakness'. Because , I had neither the time nor the energy to do it! We all got busy with the various official work - bank accounts, insurance, etc and time just flew.

The one and a half months that I was with mummy, had taken its toll on me physically and mentally. It took me a while to recover from the mental and physical exhaustion. But soon I got busy packing up because we had to shift houses.

Once I slowly settled into the new place, it started sinking in. The numbness was giving away and I found myself trying to come to terms with reality. It hit me very hard. I thought I was strong but I guess I wasn't strong enough!

Grief and sadness enveloped me. I just lost interest in everything. I could feel myself feeling depressed all the time. Like a heavy weight on my aching heart. I went about my daily routine like a zombie. I didn't want to dress up or go out. The minute I was alone, I would burst into tears. I cried myself to sleep every night, quietly, so that no one gets disturbed.

Every day I spoke to mummy. I would try to cheer her up. But I was worried about her all the time. Was she eating food? Did she remember to take her medicine? If I wasn't able to speak to her for one single day, I would be jumpy and anxious...

I'm not very expressive in front of strangers or people I'm not close to. There were still certain gatherings I couldn't avoid and every such event drained me out emotionally as I had to keep smiling like nothing's wrong with life! The moment I got back home, the dam burst.

Slowly, I was withdrawing into a shell. I tried to distract myself so that this grief doesn't consume me altogether. BTS was the answer to my pain and grief. Their music, their songs touched my heart and soul. It was the balm, the medicine that worked. The only good thing that happened to me in 2019 was BTS💜

Someone said - "Why don't you start working? It will keep your mind occupied." There were a lot of well meant suggestions as to how I could feel 'better'. Someone actually remarked - Oh, it's been 6 months now! Snap out of it!

I thought the last comment was really insensitive. I wanted to scream at that person but I didn't. It's true that one only understands another's pain if one has already undergone something similar..... But sometimes even someone who has experienced something like this fails to understand that every person is different and so is his / her way of dealing with such loss and grief....

I didn't want to 'snap out of it'! I feel it was important for me to go through the entire process because I didn't want to forget anything about Daddy - his life, his memories or his death....I just wanted to be left alone to come to terms with my grief and work it out my own way. I needed time. I needed time with myself. I needed time to cry when I wanted and heal my aching heart with my own tears.

Everyone goes through the grief of losing loved ones at some point in life. Everyone has their own way of dealing with that grief and loss. Losing someone we love affects us more than we realise, especially if it happens suddenly, without any warning!

It's been a little over 11 months now. Daddy's passing has left a gaping hole in our hearts - a void which can never be filled.... When a friend suggested I start writing, I thought I'd give it a try. What's there to lose anyway! So, I started writing my blog. I really wish Daddy was here to read them. My blogs are also a way to keep Daddy's memories alive.

Writing these blogs, I have relived my childhood. A walk down the memory lane proved beneficial because not only did I remember a lot of incidents I had almost forgotten but I also ended up writing a memoir of sorts!

The past few months have been traumatic to say the least. I was sinking into the quicksand of grief and pain. Family, friends and my blogs have kept me sane all this time or I would have certainly lost my sanity....

Other than close friends and family, no one would've guessed what I was going through all this time.... My smiling face was masking my pain, my grief, my loss....

Acceptance is a painful process and definitely a long drawn one. Like a dear friend of mine going through similar emotions, I'm going to live each day as it comes. I'm going to take baby steps but walk forward I will....

As the year draws to a close, the new year waits for us around the corner. Every year I made New Year Resolutions which I never really followed. I'm sure it happens to most of us....

I'm not going to make any promises to myself nor any resolution for the coming year. I will take one moment, one day at a time. I will come out stronger having gone through the tough times.... I will believe more, love more and listen more.... I will have faith and hope. I will simply ignore negativity in all forms- people or situations!

I hope my words soothe and heal those in pain and give comfort to those who are unhappy...

I will be hopeful and look forward to 2020 without any resolutions or expectations.

Happy New Year 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜